March 4, 2024
Lately I have been pre-occupied with this question: What Do I Really Want? And then pre-occupied with needing to figure it out. That’s what everyone said.
For some unknown reason this quandary started as I was turning 80 last summer. I don’t know if there’s something significant for everyone approaching that birthday. Wondering how many years I had left to continue doing life at high speed. How many years would I be perky, going on challenging adventures, accomplishing stuff.
Thinking about past stages of my life, I realized that while there’d always been a sadness leaving one stage, the next one “automatically” brought its own joys and things to look forward to.
Like I loved having my toddler sons roaming around the house, loving to be read to, loving to be cuddled and kissed. Sending them off to school, they’d have new experiences without me. I would miss this stage and knew we’d never go back. I was sad.
But then, I thought of the joys of this next stage. The new adventures they’d have and be eager to run home and tell me. And in the stage after that we could share books together, discussing what we liked and didn’t like about each one.
While I grieved and was sad about leaving one stage, there was always so much to look forward to in the next one.
But 80! After that, what’s the next great stage to look forward to? Life automatically prescribed my previous stages, but what does society say now? A walker or a cane, repeated forgetfulness, assisted living, nursing home?
Everything in me screams “no!” No, I am not going to slide into that. I started thinking about what I really did want next.
Which led to thinking about what I didn’t want. I realized that most of what I was currently doing I did not want to carry over to this next stage. Society sort of lets us end here and just be old people with nothing to look forward to.
But then I thought, “Well! Since society doesn’t create a new exciting next stage for me, I guess I will just have to create one for myself.”
It’s sort of like here I have a blank slate and I can write anything on it! I get to make my own next stage and that’s darn exciting. There are no more prescribed things for me to do next…I can do whatever I want! Of course, there’s a balance, I can’t be too selfish or hurt people. Not that, of course!
So, first thing I did was quit all the volunteer things I was involved in, and there were a lot! Most of them not very fulfilling. I was so excited to have so much free time to bake bread and write inspiring stuff and take naps.
But it was awful in the first month of the actual doing! I found myself unable to focus on the things I’d so looked forward to. I was a bit depressed and crabby. These open, unscheduled days were awful and I was surprised. But I held fast because my own life had taught me that good things happen after solitude.
And so I learned some things in this uncomfortableness:
- I always thought I didn’t need the affirmation of others to feel good about myself, but having absolutely none left me feeling useless. So I learned that I do indeed need others.
- I realized that keeping busy, even with really good things, always doing for others, can be a distraction. All of my waking thoughts were always about how I could improve and contribute to all those places I was involved in. Now I had time to look at myself and the relationships that had nothing to do with “organizations.” So I learned that I needed to take care of my own self more.
- And I started to see myself differently. Instead of what can I contribute, I began to wonder what really made me happy. What am I excited about. What makes me glad, giggly. What I do with joy instead of obligation. So I learned that I needed to find this without being selfish. That’s hard!
I took time to just sit with all of those thoughts, and my blank slate. To have conversations with God and myself. To find peace and excitement in just the doing of it.
And once again, I am beginning to find that core part of myself that knows that I am not useless, even though I am not “serving. That value is not always measured in accomplishments and projects with scoresheets and announcements. That my slate can stay blank for awhile.
That sometimes we can look at what we have and decide it is enough. I don’t need a bigger resume, a longer list of accomplishments, or more accolades. I don’t need to serve on another board or committee or even write another book. I may someday do those things again, probably will, but I don’t have to! That me as a woman turning 81 this year, is happy with herself and her stuff and knowing that I’ve already done what I was supposed to do!
Please go and enjoy your days, your weeks, being happy with yourself. Change what needs to change, and then just let that be enough and be glad.
Wildly Clara 
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